We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
