Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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