I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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