I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
