He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
