Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
