Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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