she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
