I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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