If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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