you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
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From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
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This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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