And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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