Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
