my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
