I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
worst night to have a conscience
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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