I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
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She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
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the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize