Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
