a search helicopter?!
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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