I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
