Where are you?
In a non slutty way
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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