please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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