The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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