I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
