oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
