He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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