Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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