as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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