I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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