you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize