i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.