she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
