I don't usually arrange sex via text message
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
