i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
