I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
