Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
