the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
