He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
