Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
