Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
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There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
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Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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