I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
