My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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