so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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