He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
