you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
