My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I lost the right to judge tonight
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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