i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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