Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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