I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
