I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
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