you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
