Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Randomize
