oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
