I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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