I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
what the fuck happened to the tacos
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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