I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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