who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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